I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
