Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Two words: blizzard sex
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
