you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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