I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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