My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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