i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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