They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
