Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
