You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
