Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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