The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
