I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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