what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
