Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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