saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
