He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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