I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
