id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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