Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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