some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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