My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
