They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
