On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
