dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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