I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
