i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
