After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
