yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
