I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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