remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
