In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
