fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
