I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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