We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
