No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
