Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
