I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
