I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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