Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
