I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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