tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
