I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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