My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
