I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
