i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
