Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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