I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
