dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i believe in u and ur pee
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
