i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
