he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dick very happy bro
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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