I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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