I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
