Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
