yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
